A letter to my little boys that I wish I didn’t have to write

Family, Mental Health / Wednesday, August 9th, 2017

I hope you don’t remember those days.

I hope your memory won’t go back that far.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t get off the couch to play.

I heard you crying for me on the other side of the door.

But my emotions were too much for me, I couldn’t help you with yours.

Thank you for helping me with your brother, babies are needy and clingy and I was not enough.

I know it was sunny and warm, but the park was full of people.

Please don’t tell your teacher you weren’t in school because mommy was too tired to get you ready.

Thank you for bringing me your favorite blankey when I was crying in the bathroom.

I know you don’t understand why I was always tired. I didn’t understand either.

I didn’t mean to yell at you, you were just being a little boy, but boys are loud and messy and it was overwhelming my fragile nerves.

I loved when you would lay next to me and watch movies, it was the only time I felt like I wasn’t messing up.

I’m sorry you don’t have many friends, it’s up to me to strike up conversations with parents and I can’t.

I promised someday we’ll paint, we’ll play games, we’ll run in the yard.

I became numb, shielding myself from the guilt of ruining your childhood.

I wanted to be the mother you needed, but I was barely a person.

I hope you remember these days.

I hope your memory protects you.

I love sitting on the floor, building with legos, you have such creativity.

I will always be here to wipe your tears.

But sometimes, I might need you to wipe mine too.

You are all so strong and independent. It may be the one good thing to come out of those days.

Let’s ride our bikes to the park again, it’s okay if it’s a little chilly.

You are doing so well in school, I’m so proud of you.

I washed your blankey today, it’s as good as new.

No, baby, I’m not tired, just a little sleepy.

I know you didn’t mean to spill your milk, it’s okay, we’ll clean it up together.

I talked to Emmit’s mommy, he’s coming over this weekend.

Today we’re going to do all the fun things I promised we would.

I’m not perfect, somedays I still struggle.

But you saved me.

You make me stronger.

I will fight this.

For each of you.