Oh hey there, Blinking Cursor on a Blank Page that stops all creative thoughts. It’s been awhile since we’ve been here, but I still feel The Wall of Nope go up in my brain as soon as you appear.
Even with the delightful classical music playing in the background, the entire family otherwise occupied, and my list of ideas at my fingertips, nothing happens.
Irony at its best
When you can’t come up with anything to write about so you write about writer’s block. It’s like a last ditch effort to just get something published. I’m scouring the internet for inspiration, I’ve read posts and articles about things I love, things I hate and things I have no interest in. And still, I have no ideas.
Now I’m googling “writer’s block.” It kind of feels like using WebMD to diagnose a headache. “Just start writing” is the first bullet point on every list written to “combat writer’s block.”
Well, thanks internet, all my problems are solved.
Nope. Just kidding.
A Quote by a Man I’ve Never Heard of
In the middle of writing something you go blank and your mind says: “No, that’s it.” Ok. You’re being warned, aren’t you? Your subconscious is saying “I don’t like you anymore. You’re writing about things I don’t give a damn for.” You’re being political, or you’re being socially aware. You’re writing things that will benefit the world. To hell with that! I don’t write things to benefit the world. If it happens that they do, swell. I didn’t set out to do that. I set out to have a hell of a lot of fun. –Ray Bradbury
I don’t know who Ray Bradbury is. Sure, I could do some research, but should I? Procrastination and anxiety say yes, absolutely, anything to put off doing the thing that you need to do!
But Ray, he’s definitely got me figured out. What I think I should be writing, the kind of articles that solve problems or offer insight, have no interest to me. I’m not here to tell the world helpful household tips (I don’t have 35 uses for dryer sheets, sorry), how to be a better parent (there is no better parent for your kids than you), or how to correctly make a burger (cheese goes on the bottom!).
I’m here for me. And anyone who stops by along the way.
Sorry for the sarcasm
I’m not sorry. That was sarcasm.
See, writing is my dream. Writing is the thing that I gave up to be “an accountant.” I set out to get a degree that was useful and to make a comfortable life for my family. Well, that didn’t happen, obviously.
Since that oh so useful degree is just a pile of debt and a piece of paper (which I am still very proud of), I have to find some way to use it.
As a lesson. As a stepping stone.
It took eight long, dreadful years, but I earned that damn diploma.
If I can do that, if I can;
- Successfully graduate from a private college with a Bachelor’s in a subject I never expected to give a crap about
- While pregnant three times
- And giving birth within a week of finals (twice!)
- During two toddlerhoods
- Sometimes working full time, part time, and even two jobs
- Keeping a marriage in tact
- Travelling an hour one way for night classes twice a week
- Spending more on one textbook than we would spend on food in an entire month
Why do I let myself believe I will fail at anything else?
From anyone else’s point of view, I have my hands full. I don’t think so at all. There are so many people with so much more on their plates handling it with grace and happiness. I wonder why I’m not doing more, why so many things are getting pushed to the back burner.
Because quitting is easier than failing.
It’s easier to walk away saying “I tried, but I can’t do it all, something has to go,” than it is to say “I tried and I didn’t succeed, I admit defeat.”
Do I have any answers? No. I think I keep asking the same questions. I’ve written about my paralyzing fear of failure before, and here I am again. But that’s how these things work, they aren’t just resolved because we talk about them. Announcing that I am struggling with the “voice of can’t” in my head doesn’t suddenly silence it.
So maybe what I have to say won’t appeal to the masses, my blog posts aren’t going to go viral because they are full of great ideas.
I will write about exactly whatever I want, and if one person reads it and thinks “I’m not alone, and I can do the hard thing,” then I am succeeding.